Funny

[beermadhatter611]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.

Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.

He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always, always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[beermadhatter611]

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being
carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers
have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"


A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee abart me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' me."


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides
to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue o' yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a booen"


The last is always best

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist
"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse creeam?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

 

[beermadhatter611]

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll takethat red one."The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?A. The bride.
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?A. A bus shelter.
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who isdriving?A. The policeman..
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't youraise your hand?''Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan,then who are you a fan of?

''I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you aChelsea fan?''

Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm aChelsea fan too!''Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reasonfor you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents allof the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drugaddict, what would you be then?''Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it'sJesus!'Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and apint of bitter.Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pintsslowly, one after another.After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for theGuinness.When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! Thearthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!It's A Miracle.'Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm ondisability benefit.'

A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to theCounter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just gotone in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for hisnymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big blackMercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but themeals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on theiroverseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.The Scouser said, 'You're bullshitting me!'The man behind the counter said, 'Well you started it!'

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspiciousobject was discovered in a car.It later turned out to be a tax disc.

 

[Stealth]